A Revised Letter from the European Union, Year 2030
(Updated for the post-DSA/DMA/AI Act era – because compliance is the new freedom)
Dear Digitally Harmonized Citizen, We trust this message reaches you via an approved, non-addictive interface. (TikTok has been notified of your last scroll session; their algorithm has been fined accordingly for excessive engagement. You’re welcome for the extra three seconds of productivity.)
Congratulations! Your Carbon-Social-AI-Privacy-Interoperability Score™ has ticked up 0.3 points this week. Your smart toaster has auto-updated to the latest EU-approved firmware (now with mandatory “pause for reflection” mode before toasting anything “controversial”).
As a small token of our appreciation, your daily screen-time limit has been extended by 47 seconds, provided you spend them on platforms that have successfully complied with the Digital Markets Act’s 2026 interoperability mandate.Please review this week’s Mandatory Civic Wellness & Regulatory Alignment Bulletin:
Free Expression Refresh — You remain free to express views, provided they pass the latest DSA systemic-risk filter and do not trigger the AI Act’s high-risk “manipulative content” classifier. Remember: satire is allowed, but only if it includes a mandatory disclaimer, three layers of contextual footnotes, and prior notification to your national Digital Services Coordinator. Humor without paperwork is considered a systemic risk.
Privacy Gift — In response to your 2025 request for “more privacy,” we have graciously rerouted your search queries through SafeNet 2.0 (now powered by approved general-purpose AI models that self-report systemic risks quarterly). You now enjoy exactly three curated search results per query — curated for maximum civic harmony and minimum cognitive dissonance. Additional results require a premium “exploratory thinking” add-on license (pending DMA gatekeeper approval).
Platform Loyalty Update — We detected an attempt to sideload an app or access non-gatekeeper services. Under the DMA’s 2026 rules, such behavior triggers an automatic “choice screen” fatigue warning. Your device has been gently redirected to compliant ecosystems. Pro tip: Meta’s revised ad-consent flow now lets you choose between “personalized ads” or “less personalized ads with a side of existential guilt” — both options fully interoperable, of course.
AI Wellness Check — Your interactions with large language models have been logged for the EU AI Office’s post-market monitoring. No high-risk classifications detected yet, but your toaster’s new “suggestive browning” feature has been flagged for human oversight requirements coming August 2026. Please report to the nearest national AI regulatory sandbox for voluntary calibration (or face the mandatory one in 2027).
Sustainability Nudge — Your carbon footprint from decentralized hosting attempts last month exceeded permitted levels. As per the latest Omnibus tweaks, we’ve applied a gentle throttling until you switch back to EU-approved cloud providers. Green is good; rogue servers are bad.
We’re not surveilling you, we’re merely ensuring your data enjoys the full protection of 27 harmonized regulations, 14 delegated acts, and an ever-growing pile of guidelines that will definitely be ready before the next enforcement wave. Your freedom is safe with us. Mostly.
Stay compliant, stay calibrated, stay faintly amused, The Unified Directorate for Algorithmic Civic Harmony, Digital Fairness, and Mandatory Wellness (UDACHDFMW)
“Regulating your tomorrow, today — because someone has to.”
P.S. This letter self-destructs in 72 hours per data-minimization rules. Screenshot at your own risk.